• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make".

When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps."

Then I realised……...


………... I was playing the bee side..
 
The forum really needs a groan reaction. As much as I appreciate a good (or a bad) pun, crying with laughter just doesn't work.
 
So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says: "Is this Whiskey?"

Elmer says: "Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!"




Where's that 'groan' button!!
 
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have a go at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'

After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
 
^^^ A similar incident happened to me in early 2005 as I was meeting two VIPs from the States, an Army Colonel and a senior civilian, at one of our sites. They flew into Munich and rented a car to go to the hotel near the site. The Colonel drove because the civilian was terrified of the Autobahn. I took the train and met them later in the evening at the hotel.

The next morning, I rode with the two VIPs, but had to sit in the back with the senior civilian because the Colonel put his briefcase and backpack on the front passenger seat. The civilian and I were talking and not paying much attention to the short drive to the site. By the time we arrived at the main gate, the Colonel had his ID card out and gave it to the military guard at the gate. The civilian and I were still fumbling for our wallets for our ID cards when the Soldier said "That's all right gentlemen. If you have a Colonel as a driver, I don't need to see your IDs." At the time, the Colonel wasn't too happy about being reduced to a driver, but later agreed it was very funny.
 
A man who has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground said he went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour.



I'll get me coat…..again.
 
1000014826.jpg
Anyone remember this?

Mr Rusty on his bike was the drug dealer; Brian the snail was slowed down by narcotics, Dylan the rabbit was permanently stoned, Dougal's sugar mine was a heroin store and Zebidee was off his head high as a kite. Even Ermintrude the cow had a customary piece of marijuana in her mouth.
And this was a kid's programme!😀

Maybe they weren't actually all on drugs but because it was a French animated kid's programme with a different English storyline grafted on it did seem somewhat disjointed. As a kid I struggled to make any sense of it, the drugs backstory brings it all into focus.😀😀
 
jimhanna said:
View attachment 35381
Anyone remember this?

Mr Rusty on his bike was the drug dealer; Brian the snail was slowed down by narcotics, Dylan the rabbit was permanently stoned, Dougal's sugar mine was a heroin store and Zebidee was off his head high as a kite. Even Ermintrude the cow had a customary piece of marijuana in her mouth.
And this was a kid's programme!😀

Maybe they weren't actually all on drugs but because it was a French animated kid's programme with a different English storyline grafted on it did seem somewhat disjointed. As a kid I struggled to make any sense of it, the drugs backstory brings it all into focus.😀😀
Click to expand...


And it was narrated by Emma Thompson's dad, Eric.
 
It was - allegedly - a satirical commentary on French politics, but hell, let's not have historical accuracy detract from Jim's wonderful interpretation above!!
Love it, Mucker!
Sam
 
This headline in The Guardian made me smile and got me wondering if the arguments I have with the missus, AKA Sat Nag, when she disagrees with the sat nav’s route could raise money for charity.
IMG_4346.jpeg
 
I tried blindfolded archery for the first time today.


I really didn't know what I was missing.
 
What's the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?


One mucks about in a fountain.
 
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison.


You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

(sorry. I used to have loads of these.)
 
The grand old Duke of York,
He had 12 million quid,
He gave it to a woman he'd never met
For something he never did!
 
This was in the one bathroom in the cottage we rented last week.

Reading it literally, with no brain:

I can pee in the garden, but dumping might be a problem! :)


Toilet.jpg
 
During the war, my uncle was the regimental Christmas tree.

He never saw much service, but was still highly decorated.





I'll get me coat again.
 
Those last two would just about fit on a christmas cracker. In fact, come to think of it.........
 
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