• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

A cow, an ant and an old fart woodworker are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
• The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
• The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
And the Old Fart said ........

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something!
 
:lol: :lol: :lol: Good luck with getting that one past the mods! Not a complaint from me I hasten to add.
 
RogerM":jh3dhsk4 said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: Good luck with getting that one past the mods! Not a complaint from me I hasten to add.
Click to expand...

I lost my coffee when I first saw it Roger, too funny not to share


9fingers":jh3dhsk4 said:
I was wondering about that when I first saw it.

e.g. "Daddy, why is that picture making you laugh?"

No complaints yet but I would have to uphold it if we get one to be honest.

Bob
Click to expand...

Fully understand Bob though I’m still chuckling
 
9fingers":2pptess9 said:
I was wondering about that when I first saw it.

e.g. "Daddy, why is that picture making you laugh?"

No complaints yet but I would have to uphold it if we get one to be honest.

Bob
Click to expand...

I've downloaded it just in case it disappears! :lol:
 
Just had a decorator in to do a bit of work. Turns out he's a BA pilot on furlough.

He made a lovely job of the landing.
 
BREAKING NEWS:
Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning.

Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.
 
This rule of 6 for family gatherings indoors is crazy.

We are a 7 person family unit.

We went to the pub yesterday.


They let our dog in but we had to tie grandad to the lampost outside.
 
2-A70-D205-9-FD9-402-F-A874-2-D1-EB769-FDF1.png
 
BREAKING NEWS.

A lorry has shed its' load of Vick Vapour Rub outside Sainsbury's. Police say there will be no congestion for the next 12 hours.
 
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
 
A variation on an old favourite :-

An English MP, a Welsh MP and a Scottish MP walk into a pub - and close it down! :cry:
 
On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way dawg's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dawg don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,

"Go 'head. I always wanted me a police dawg."
 
A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that £250 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.
"But Madam, this check is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
 
Just released press statement from Makita.
"In light of the recent rebranding at hitachi koki, Makita are pleased to announce a new factory to be located in Abergeveny for the production of an all new power tool range made especially for European markets. this new tool range will be known as the YAKIDA brand"
 
droogs":exqi6mfm said:
Just released press statement from Makita.
"In light of the recent rebranding at hitachi koki, Makita are pleased to announce a new factory to be located in Abergeveny for the production of an all new power tool range made especially for European markets. this new tool range will be known as the YAKIDA brand"
Click to expand...

Haha very good.
 
How to Tame a Parrot
>
> 
>
> A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
> had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
>
> Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
> laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's
> attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
> music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the
> bird's vocabulary.
>
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
> yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
> and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
> grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
>
> For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
> Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
> over a minute.
>
> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
> the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
> arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
> language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
> transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
> rude and unforgivable behavior."
>
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
>
> As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
> change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask
> what the turkey did?"
>
> And you thought there were no clean jokes left!
>
 
You're going to have to help me with that one, Pete, I'm afraid. Who is that person?
 
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