• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

Yep%2C_its_wood-main.jpg
 
People who think that the Covid-19 vaccine will alter their genetic makeup should welcome the opportunity.
 
50 years ago, a car instruction manual would explain how to adjust the tappets.
Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
 
Irish Railway Company
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.



The signalmans exam
A man wants a job as a signalman on a small station on a single line in the north of Scotland.
He is told he must do an exam by the railway company.
A man comes to visit the box to give him the exam.
He is asked "what would you do if you had a train coming south and a train coming north"
He replied "set the signals to danger on the main control panel"
The examiner the asked "What if that did not work on the main panel"
He replied "I would use the switch on the master control box to set the signals to danger"
The examiner then asked "What if that did not work on the master control box"
He replied "I would run outside to the manual control levers and use them to set the signals to danger"
The examiner then asked "What if the control levers were jammed"
He replied "I would run and get my uncle Albert"
The examiner the asked "Why would you get him"
He replied "He's never seen a train crash before!"
 
An old woman, a young girl, a 4-star general and a young army officer got on a train. Shortly after it set off, it went into a tunnel and all the lights went out. There was a "Mwah" kissing sound followed by the sound of a sharp slap.

The old woman thought "that young officer just tried it on with the girl and she was having none of it".

The young girl thought "that young officer just kissed that old woman and she gave him what for! I wonder why he chose her instead of me?"

The general thought "that young officer just tried it on with that young girl, and she thought it was me and gave me a slap!"

The young officer thought "Perfect! That may be the last chance I ever have to kiss the back of my hand and slap a 4 star General!".
 
The wife has now taken up woodworking. The neighbour said, "I didn't know you're both carpenters"'.

I said, 'We've only just begun'. ;)
 
It's great news that ABBA is getting back together. A mate of mine said he heard them rehearsing and they were incredibly loud. He said you could hear the drums from Nando's.

OK, I'll get my coat :oops:
 
RogerM":1yz30qfi said:
It's great news that ABBA is getting back together. A mate of mine said he heard them rehearsing and they were incredibly loud. He said you could hear the drums from Nando's.

OK, I'll get my coat :oops:
Click to expand...

...and your hat and scarf!!!!! :lol:
 
An old one ...............


A Curry Tasters Report

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

______________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy sh*t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

____________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE:Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p*ss off a thistle.

____________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

____________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bi*ch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

____________________________________________

Curry # 6:Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my ars*hole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*s with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my ars*hole will go down for a drink of water.

____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report )
 
Gill":thn7k5s7 said:
[youtubessl]Oipg71dSem0[/youtubessl]
Click to expand...

:eusa-dance:

I could still hear the Prokofiev even through the pastiche which I found surprising. Thanks for sharing.
 
9fingers":3juw5qav said:
Absolutely no clue as to what that was all about.
Just shows how senses of humour can vary

Bob
Click to expand...

It was Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights from Romeo and Juliet, but the last few seconds the trombonist went into the Imperial March from Star Wars, a very famous piece of music played, generally, when Darth Vader was looming.
 
I've not listened to Prokofiev for years and didn't know what was happening in the clip til I found myself in the kitchen humming the brass parts several minutes later.
 
Ah thanks Mark
Having no interest in classical music or sci fi film would explain my lack of comprehension.
I did however vaguely recall hearing the tune before and that it sounded a bit different so I was sort of on the right track :lol:

Bob
 
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