• Hi all and welcome to TheWoodHaven2 brought into the 21st Century, kicking and screaming! We all have Alasdair to thank for the vast bulk of the heavy lifting to get us here, no more so than me because he's taken away a huge burden of responsibility from my shoulders and brought us to this new shiny home, with all your previous content (hopefully) still intact! Please peruse and feed back. There is still plenty to do, like changing the colour scheme, adding the banner graphic, tweaking the odd setting here and there so I have added a new thread in the 'Technical Issues, Bugs and Feature Requests' forum for you to add any issues you find, any missing settings or just anything you'd like to see added/removed from the feature set that Xenforo offers. We will get to everything over the coming weeks so please be patient, but add anything at all to the thread I mention above and we promise to get to them over the next few days/weeks/months. In the meantime, please enjoy!

A tad of mirth

If I ever need cheering up........

[youtube]nGeKSiCQkPw[/youtube]
 
50 Shades of Golf

Four golf buddies had been going to Sun City for a boy’s golf weekend for many years.

This year, Ralph’s wife put her foot down and told him he can’t go.
So he called his buddies and told them the bad news.
They understood and decided to go as a 3-some.

When they arrive, Ralph is sitting there smiling with his clubs already on a cart.

They ask: “Hey Ralph, what did you do to change the wife’s mind?”

Ralph said: “Well, last night my wife had just finished reading " Fifty Shades of Grey"
She pulled me into our bedroom.
On the bed she had handcuffs and velvet ropes.
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

Then she said, “Do whatever you want”.
So, here I am.”
 
Good Irish Chuckle
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man...passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from
Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the
following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there
has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how
this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and
unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
 
Dracula was finally seen off by a squirrel. It was Tufty The Vampire Slayer.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported....we don't have Oleg to stand on.

My neighbour had a bag of cement fall on his head. He was rendered unconscious :eusa-doh:

OK. I'll get my coat! :oops:
 
Very happy to announce that not only have I won an award for the cleanest workshop in The National Carpentry Awards, but I have also completely swept the board.


I've already got my coat on..



In my defence, I nicked from a retired police site, your honour! :D
 
3 Holy Men & 3 Bears

an old one

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religio Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Torpey, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts&IV/drip In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad way.The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 
oddsocks":31wej99u said:
Thanks - this thread was just what i needed :-)

Now that my team are all working from home we have a 15min 'bonding call' first thing every morning and someone (usually me) has to tell a joke ...This thread has armed me with enough for the next week.

I have been getting quite a few from a FB group Dad Jokes England -its a good source
Thanks
Dave
Click to expand...


Have a look at this site, should keep you armed for a couple of weeks :lol:

https://www.woodworkforums.com/f17
 
Screenshot_20210320-091554.jpg

Last 3 parcels, correctly labelled, addressed to my daughter have all ended up with neighbours! :cry:
 
I had a valuable package sent tracked and signed for, to a relative in the UK to bring out for me. They were given the package by their neighbour, who found it on her doorstep.
My relative complained it had not been signed for, the company said yes it has, by the person its addressed to.
Strange, because it was addressed to ME, not the house owner, care of that address, and I was 2000 miles away when I signed for it.
 
The difficulty with an aphorism is perspective.
What makes total sense at dinner can make no sense at breakfast.
Hold on....
I might have just written my own aphorism. :shock:

'Measure twice, cut once' is about as deep as I can go these days. Not related to woodwork either. Just a life truth. As I've got older I have lost patience for 'chatter' there's no doubt there. People around me sometimes converse in groups like starlings and I just wait for them to finish talking quite so much. I just think I have heard it all before, why keep repeating it?
I might just be broken. :|
 
Chris101":1xtxb5ao said:
The difficulty with an aphorism is perspective.
What makes total sense at dinner can make no sense at breakfast.
Hold on....
I might have just written my own aphorism. :shock:

'Measure twice, cut once' is about as deep as I can go these days. Not related to woodwork either. Just a life truth. As I've got older I have lost patience for 'chatter' there's no doubt there. People around me sometimes converse in groups like starlings and I just wait for them to finish talking quite so much. I just think I have heard it all before, why keep repeating it?
I might just be broken. :|
Click to expand...

Why say in 100 hundred words what i can say in 4 letters?
 
'Measure twice, cut once' is about as deep as I can go these days. Not related to woodwork either. Just a life truth. As I've got older I have lost patience for 'chatter' there's no doubt there. People around me sometimes converse in groups like starlings and I just wait for them to finish talking quite so much. I just think I have heard it all before, why keep repeating it?
I might just be broken. :|

I've been labelled anti social for all my life because I 've followed that philosophy since secondary school :lol: :lol:
But lately i've discovered that I'm only a "social introvert" :eusa-dance: :eusa-dance: 8-)
 
sunnybob":2x3rf9y9 said:
'Measure twice, cut once' is about as deep as I can go these days. Not related to woodwork either. Just a life truth. As I've got older I have lost patience for 'chatter' there's no doubt there. People around me sometimes converse in groups like starlings and I just wait for them to finish talking quite so much. I just think I have heard it all before, why keep repeating it?
I might just be broken. :|

I've been labelled anti social for all my life because I 've followed that philosophy since secondary school :lol: :lol:
But lately i've discovered that I'm only a "social introvert" :eusa-dance: :eusa-dance: 8-)
Click to expand...

I suggested to her majesty that I was a social introvert, but she says that I am just miserable bu££er.
 
I started out as anti social, and I progressed to being socially inept for many years before I finally arrived at socially introvert.

I suppose the next step is being a grumpy old social introvert. 8-)
 
sunnybob":2dkvqhr8 said:
I started out as anti social, and I progressed to being socially inept for many years before I finally arrived at socially introvert.

I suppose the next step is being a grumpy old social introvert. 8-)
Click to expand...

Waddya mean “next step” :D
 
Nurse: Oh no. What happened to your fingers?
Me: You know that thing that chefs do when they chop stuff up very fast..?
Nurse: Yes
Me: Well, I can't do that!
Nurse: Did you bring them in so that the doctor can sew them back on again.
Me: No.
Nurse: Why not?
Me: I couldn't pick them up :lol:
 
Channel 4 are looking for people to take part in a documentary about people who made the most of the summer holiday by camping in their back gardens.


It's being directed by Tentin Quarantino.
 
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